"Terms of Material Culture in Jack London's The call of the wild and Its German Translation"

On Monday I set about the task of collecting homework from 40 students. This wouldn't normally present much of a challenge, but as I'm not a teacher I don't actually have any students to collect homework from. First I tried approaching students on an individual basis, but every one I approached responded with confused suspicion. Eventually I decided the best course of action was to find a professor with 40 students and pose as him in order to collect the homework from his students. I settled on a semiotics professor, and turned up to his class on Wednesday, when his students were due to turn in their latest assignments. In order to pass myself off as the professor I was wearing his face as a mask. Things were going well, but just as I was about to collect the homework the mask fell off. Realising that I had blown it, I jumped out the open window and started running as fast as I could. Luckily the students were too stunned to do anything, so none of them tried to stop me. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the faceless semiotics professor tied up in my basement.

Watashi wa odori o mitai desu.

I was out jogging yesterday when I saw someone who looked familiar. At first I thought it might be someone I used to work with, but when I got closer I realised that it was actor Patrick Stewart. I went over to say hello, and asked what he was doing in Leeds. He said that he was here appearing in a play at the West Yorkshire playhouse, and was on his way to the director's house to discuss his role. Then he asked if I wanted to come to his hotel room to see his collection of bowler hats. I told him that I'd rather not, as I had been through a traumatic bowler hat related experience while on holiday in Venezuela. He said he understood, but looked as if he was trying hard not to cry. I wished him luck with the play, then continued jogging for another fifteen minutes or so before returning home, all the while with the sneaking suspicion that I was being followed. At the time I assumed it was nothing, but when I left the house for work this morning Patrick Stewart was asleep on my front doorstep. I woke him up by kicking him in the head, and told him to get lost.

Latin swucks a hmuge ANIMALUS pmenis

So I was in town yesterday buying art supplies, and when I was done I decided to go and get a coffee. I went into the nearest Starbucks. The staff in there all know me as I go in there quite often, so when I went in one guy asked me if I wanted the usual. I told him I wanted to try something new, and asked him to surprise me. He reached into his mouth, pulled his own spine out through his throat, and started beating me round the neck and face with it. After five minutes he stopped and told me it would be £5. I won't be going back there in a hurry- not at those prices anyway.

a locally owned company founded in 1924

I came up with a great idea for a website last night- it's called Meatspace. Basically it's a version of myspace that's dedicated entirely to meat. For instance, if you buy some sausages, instead of just eating them you could put them on the internet. Then eat them.