My Favourite Christmas Movies

For Unto You is Born this Day of the Jackal

Ding Dong Merrily On Highlander 2: The Quickening

The Story of O Tannenbaum

Blown Away In A Manger

Murder On The We Three Kings Of Orient Express

Once In Royal David’s City Slickers

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear And Present Danger

Fears of underinvestment in agriculture in developing nations

Last Friday I was sat outside the Starbucks in central Croydon, drinking a disappointing latte, when a couple of tourists came up and asked for directions to the nearest Ikea. They had a map with them and asked if I could point out it's location, something I was more than capable of doing as I visit that particular store frequently (I usually take a cup with me and help myself to several free coffe refills from the hot dog stand near the exit). I pointed out the location of the store and they thanked me and went on there way. It was only when I looked down a minute or two later, that I noticed my legs were missing. I looked up and saw the two guys making their way through the crowded street, each with one of my legs slung over a shoulder. I would have run after them, but of course, I had no legs. The most annoying thing is that it's kind of my fault. instead of leaving my legs concealed in my trousers, I had taken them out and left them on the table where anyone could grab them. Luckily I'd taken out comprehensive insurance on them, so I'll be getting a replacement pair tomorrow, with only a £25 excess to pay.

My Favourite Episodes Of Columbo

-Columbo Goes To Spain (Guest star: Jose Ferrer)
-Columbo In The Time Of Cholera (Guest star: William Shatner)
-Columbo Takes One For The Team (Guest star: Jurgen Prochnow)
-Columbo Has An Epidural (Guest star: Jennifer Jason Leigh)
-Columbo Shits Where He Eats (Guest Star: Andrea Dworkin)

The ordering of integers is compatible with the algebraic operations...

I looked at a couple of houses in my area today. Not that I'm thinking of buying, I just like looking at houses. I told the estate agent I was a merchant banker and earned a six figure salary, and she showed me around a couple of really nice houses. In the first one they let me use the toilet, which was nice, as I've actually run out of paper. I managed to hide two rolls in the lining of my coat and I'm pretty sure the homeowners won't noticed they're missing. They'll be too busy looking at the portrait of Jesus I drew on the wall with my own shit.

The greatest three panel sequence ever?

http://samehat.blogspot.com/2007/09/memories-of-others-by-shintaro-kago_09.html

"Terms of Material Culture in Jack London's The call of the wild and Its German Translation"

On Monday I set about the task of collecting homework from 40 students. This wouldn't normally present much of a challenge, but as I'm not a teacher I don't actually have any students to collect homework from. First I tried approaching students on an individual basis, but every one I approached responded with confused suspicion. Eventually I decided the best course of action was to find a professor with 40 students and pose as him in order to collect the homework from his students. I settled on a semiotics professor, and turned up to his class on Wednesday, when his students were due to turn in their latest assignments. In order to pass myself off as the professor I was wearing his face as a mask. Things were going well, but just as I was about to collect the homework the mask fell off. Realising that I had blown it, I jumped out the open window and started running as fast as I could. Luckily the students were too stunned to do anything, so none of them tried to stop me. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the faceless semiotics professor tied up in my basement.

Watashi wa odori o mitai desu.

I was out jogging yesterday when I saw someone who looked familiar. At first I thought it might be someone I used to work with, but when I got closer I realised that it was actor Patrick Stewart. I went over to say hello, and asked what he was doing in Leeds. He said that he was here appearing in a play at the West Yorkshire playhouse, and was on his way to the director's house to discuss his role. Then he asked if I wanted to come to his hotel room to see his collection of bowler hats. I told him that I'd rather not, as I had been through a traumatic bowler hat related experience while on holiday in Venezuela. He said he understood, but looked as if he was trying hard not to cry. I wished him luck with the play, then continued jogging for another fifteen minutes or so before returning home, all the while with the sneaking suspicion that I was being followed. At the time I assumed it was nothing, but when I left the house for work this morning Patrick Stewart was asleep on my front doorstep. I woke him up by kicking him in the head, and told him to get lost.