monkeys might puke

My Favourite Christmas Movies

2009-04-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

For Unto You is Born this Day of the Jackal

Ding Dong Merrily On Highlander 2: The Quickening

The Story of O Tannenbaum

Blown Away In A Manger

Murder On The We Three Kings Of Orient Express

Once In Royal David’s City Slickers

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear And Present Danger

Fears of underinvestment in agriculture in developing nations

2009-04-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I was sat outside the Starbucks in central Croydon, drinking a disappointing latte, when a couple of tourists came up and asked for directions to the nearest Ikea. They had a map with them and asked if I could point out it's location, something I was more than capable of doing as I visit that particular store frequently (I usually take a cup with me and help myself to several free coffe refills from the hot dog stand near the exit). I pointed out the location of the store and they thanked me and went on there way. It was only when I looked down a minute or two later, that I noticed my legs were missing. I looked up and saw the two guys making their way through the crowded street, each with one of my legs slung over a shoulder. I would have run after them, but of course, I had no legs. The most annoying thing is that it's kind of my fault. instead of leaving my legs concealed in my trousers, I had taken them out and left them on the table where anyone could grab them. Luckily I'd taken out comprehensive insurance on them, so I'll be getting a replacement pair tomorrow, with only a £25 excess to pay.

My Favourite Episodes Of Columbo

2008-08-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

-Columbo Goes To Spain (Guest star: Jose Ferrer)
-Columbo In The Time Of Cholera (Guest star: William Shatner)
-Columbo Takes One For The Team (Guest star: Jurgen Prochnow)
-Columbo Has An Epidural (Guest star: Jennifer Jason Leigh)
-Columbo Shits Where He Eats (Guest Star: Andrea Dworkin)

The ordering of integers is compatible with the algebraic operations...

2008-07-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

I looked at a couple of houses in my area today. Not that I'm thinking of buying, I just like looking at houses. I told the estate agent I was a merchant banker and earned a six figure salary, and she showed me around a couple of really nice houses. In the first one they let me use the toilet, which was nice, as I've actually run out of paper. I managed to hide two rolls in the lining of my coat and I'm pretty sure the homeowners won't noticed they're missing. They'll be too busy looking at the portrait of Jesus I drew on the wall with my own shit.

The greatest three panel sequence ever?

2008-01-10T15:07:00.001-08:00

http://samehat.blogspot.com/2007/09/memories-of-others-by-shintaro-kago_09.html

"Terms of Material Culture in Jack London's The call of the wild and Its German Translation"

2007-11-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

On Monday I set about the task of collecting homework from 40 students. This wouldn't normally present much of a challenge, but as I'm not a teacher I don't actually have any students to collect homework from. First I tried approaching students on an individual basis, but every one I approached responded with confused suspicion. Eventually I decided the best course of action was to find a professor with 40 students and pose as him in order to collect the homework from his students. I settled on a semiotics professor, and turned up to his class on Wednesday, when his students were due to turn in their latest assignments. In order to pass myself off as the professor I was wearing his face as a mask. Things were going well, but just as I was about to collect the homework the mask fell off. Realising that I had blown it, I jumped out the open window and started running as fast as I could. Luckily the students were too stunned to do anything, so none of them tried to stop me. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the faceless semiotics professor tied up in my basement.

Watashi wa odori o mitai desu.

2007-05-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

I was out jogging yesterday when I saw someone who looked familiar. At first I thought it might be someone I used to work with, but when I got closer I realised that it was actor Patrick Stewart. I went over to say hello, and asked what he was doing in Leeds. He said that he was here appearing in a play at the West Yorkshire playhouse, and was on his way to the director's house to discuss his role. Then he asked if I wanted to come to his hotel room to see his collection of bowler hats. I told him that I'd rather not, as I had been through a traumatic bowler hat related experience while on holiday in Venezuela. He said he understood, but looked as if he was trying hard not to cry. I wished him luck with the play, then continued jogging for another fifteen minutes or so before returning home, all the while with the sneaking suspicion that I was being followed. At the time I assumed it was nothing, but when I left the house for work this morning Patrick Stewart was asleep on my front doorstep. I woke him up by kicking him in the head, and told him to get lost.

Latin swucks a hmuge ANIMALUS pmenis

2007-04-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

So I was in town yesterday buying art supplies, and when I was done I decided to go and get a coffee. I went into the nearest Starbucks. The staff in there all know me as I go in there quite often, so when I went in one guy asked me if I wanted the usual. I told him I wanted to try something new, and asked him to surprise me. He reached into his mouth, pulled his own spine out through his throat, and started beating me round the neck and face with it. After five minutes he stopped and told me it would be £5. I won't be going back there in a hurry- not at those prices anyway.

a locally owned company founded in 1924

2007-02-27T15:45:00.000-08:00

I came up with a great idea for a website last night- it's called Meatspace. Basically it's a version of myspace that's dedicated entirely to meat. For instance, if you buy some sausages, instead of just eating them you could put them on the internet. Then eat them.

"The most fascinating cultural work of the year."

2006-04-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

I finally saw Hostel today. I wasn't planning on going to see it due to some of the reviews I'd read, but Eli Roth came round to my house and personally begged me to go. He was following me round for days and at one point even got on his knees and started kissing my feet. That was when I agreed to go and see it.
He came with me to the cinema, and even offered to buy me popcorn, but didn't actually come into the screening with me. He said he was worried that the audience might turn on him, or worse still, mistake him for Harvey Keitel. The last screening he went to, he spent three hours afterwards listening to some old woman telling him he needed to make another film with Scorcese.
After the film he was waiting eagerly and demanded to know what I thought. When I told him he looked at me for a second, a hurt look in his eyes, then turned and ran out of the cinema, crying loudly.

"...manufacturing pins for the use in carding and combing processes..."

2006-04-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

È andato all'ufficio postale (quello locale questo volta non il cente uno che della città ho scritto circa precedentemente) inviare alcuni libri ho venduto su ebay. non hanno avuti comunque alcune buste - non quelle riempite abbastanza grandi, così preferibilmente ho comprato alcune grandi tortiglii molli ed ho fatto i burritos postali. Spero che tengano insieme - ho usato il salsa per sigillarlo.

"A classic masterpiece of screwball comedy..."

2006-04-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

I finally got a tattoo on Friday. I'd been considering it for ages but I could never settle on a design. I didn't want anything too cheesy, like a panther or a snake, and I didn't want any pretentious symbols or Japanese Kenji writing. I finally came up with something on Wednesday - I decided to have a lifesize portrait of my face tattooed on my face. I'm pretty sure that's never been done before. Plus to the untrained eye it looks just like my actual face, so I won't get into trouble for it at work.

"Dramatic camera movements..."

2006-03-22T00:55:00.000-08:00

Went to the post office in town yesterday and there was a massive queue. Normally I'd just get some stamps from the machine but I was sending a book and I didn't know how many stamps to use. I was surprised to see such a large queue at that time of the day. If it was lunchtime I could understand it but this was around five o'clock. I really didn't feel like standing in the queue for ages so I took out my machete and started hacking up the people in front of me. Within a couple of minutes the queue had been reduced by a third, but there was still a lot to go. At this point I got a bit carried away and accidentally cut off my own left arm. I put it in my bag and went to the bus stop, using a passing snake as a tourniquet. When I got home I re-attached the arm using shoelaces and chewing gum. Then I realised that I still hadn't posted the book. Dammit.

"Grift sense appears to be inherent..."

2006-03-18T09:35:00.001-08:00

I've been working on the comic constantly for the last few days, so today I decided to take a break and go to the cinema. I was halfway to the bus stop when I started getting this sharp pain in my leg. At first I ignored it but it seemed to get worse as I walked. I stopped for a second, and that was when I noticed the arrow sticking out of my leg. As I bent down for a closer look another arrow flew past where my head had been only a moment earlier. That was when I realised the Aztecs had finally tracked me down. My lightning fast instincts took over and I dived into a nearby hedge for cover, as a volley of arrows rained down where I had been standing, missing me by mere inches.
As I lay there in the hedge I tried to work out a strategy. I was unarmed and there were probably a dozen of them. Any second now they would begin trying to flush me out of the hedge by firing more arrows into it. I had to act quick.
I decided to gain their sympathy by crying like a girl and pissing myself. It worked, but I missed the bus, and after that I didn't really feel like watching a film anyway so I went home.

"Moisture, not air, causes superglue to dry..."

2006-03-13T21:55:00.000-08:00

Threw a party last night. Nothing big, just a few people over. Didn't get much conversation going, but that's probably because all the people there were corpses I'd dug up from the local cemetery. I had to return them all after the party as I've nowhere to keep them. Luckily the cemetery is quite close to my house.

"rewritable for multiple recordings"

2006-03-11T07:25:00.000-08:00

Had a job interview yesterday with a small publishing company. Seemed to be going well at first- all the usual questions like 'what are your best qualities?' 'can you work as part of a team?' and all the other crap. Then right in the middle of the interview they brought a pig into the room and told me to kill it with my mind. At first I thought it was one of those bizarre tests they do to see how you cope with pressure, but after a while it became clear that they really did want me to try and kill a pig with my mind. I didn't know what else to do so I sat there for ten minutes squinting at the pig. I didn't kill it, and I'm pretty sure I didn't get the job either. Not that I actually knew what the job was to begin with.

"I don't expect to read a better novel this year."

2006-03-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

I was walking through town today and I found myself going past the army recruitment centre. I don't know why but I decided to go in, just to ask a few questions. I filled out a couple of forms and spoke to someone for about half an hour, and was immediately given the rank of captain. This came as a surprise, but they assured me that I was perfect captain material, and that if I did well I could be a major by lunchtime.
Not only did I get promoted to major, but by two in the afternoon I had been promoted again, this time to colonel. This happened several times over the course of the afternoon, and by six o'clock I was a general. At this point I realised that no further progression was possible so I decided to retire, and spent the rest of the day reminiscing with other retired generals. Admittedly all my stories were about playing the game Cannon Fodder when I was in school, but the other generals were too old and senile to know what I was saying, so it didn't really matter.

"...if we use them economically we all get the benefit."

2006-03-07T06:59:00.001-08:00

I did some babysitting last night as a favour, something that will never happen again. Everything was fine until I went to check on the baby at around 7. Having not been warned by the parents, I wasn't expecting the baby to be a giant leech, and was totally unprepared when it leapt out of it's crib and affixed itself to the side of my head. It was too strong to pull off, so I made my way down stairs and turned on the grill. I was feeling lightheaded from loss of blood by this point and only just managed to thrust the leech's tail into the grill. It let out an inhuman shriek, dropped from my head, and retreated to the nearest dark corner. I remembered the mother's last words before leaving ("if he gets hungry there's something in the fridge"). I checked the fridge and found a large baby bottle filled with blood. At this point the leech came at me again. As it pounced at my face I grabbed the bottle, thrusting the end into it's gaping leech jaw. From that point on everything was fine. When the parents got home they gave me an extra twenty pounds and drove me to the hospital. They also asked me if I'd babysit again tonight. I told them that if I ever saw their leech-baby again I would beat it to death.

"The curtains in my room are brown..."

2006-03-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

The oscars were held last night but I have no idea who won. I boycotted them in protest at the lack of nominations for the deeply-moving film 'Cold Coffee'. The film, which tells the story of a blind piano tuner who is literally unable to decide whether to shit or get off the pot, and starves to death while sat on the toilet, was easily the best film of last year, and at the very least should have received a best actor nomination for leading man Javier Bordello.

"...increased by 19%..."

2006-03-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

Went to the shop this morning to buy milk and saw Henderson. I haven't seen him since 1985, when I was called up for jury duty despite only being four years old. I was going to say hello, but when I got closer I noticed that he stank of urine and was talking to himself. Luckily he didn't recognise me.

"On january 7th 1994 an incident took place..."

2006-03-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning feeling really low. I was overcome with a sense of total despair, convinced that my whole life was a futile and empty mess and that my situation was never going to improve. Then I punched a dwarf in the face and suddenly I felt much better.

"...work, do whatever I can to ensure that John Major is the next prime Minister..."

2006-03-03T05:05:00.000-08:00

Went in to work yesterday. Haven't been for a while, mainly because I don't work there anymore. Luckily my id card still worked so I was able to get into the building. After an hour spent attempting to cut my toenails with a hole-puncher, I spent the rest of the day stood by the photocopier telling everyone that I was 'waiting for it to warm up'. One guy kept coming back every ten minutes to see if it was working. He looked more despondent each time I sent him away. It was only after I got home that I realised it was Thom Yorke from Radiohead.